I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
either way he was missing a nipple.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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