Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
well you can't waste a boner
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
