if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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