Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
