she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
