I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
