Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
