I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
