I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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