sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
