On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
