dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
