I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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