Even the bartender felt bad for me
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
