I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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