you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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