I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
