On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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