im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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