So drunk its hurt
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
