I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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