I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
