I will die if light touches me.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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