if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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