if i can run in heels then i can drive
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
