20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
