I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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