Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
