I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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