my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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