guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
