just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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