Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
