Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
