Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
