Pappa wants mamma naked
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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