So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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