Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
