STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
