whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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