During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize