I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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