Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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