I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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