she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
