I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
