i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
