Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
