I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
