Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
