I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I need a beard to bite.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
