Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
