There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
