ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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