He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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