I cut my penus on the lid.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
