Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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