I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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