Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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