Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
