we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
