you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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