if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
