last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
